Thrashing Stinks

Nestled in a corner of Panera Bread this morning, I tapped away at my laptop while the usual morning traffic filtered in and out. Nearby, two easy-going friends in their late 50s caught up on each other’s lives over some coffee. Along with the rest of the background noise, I filtered out their conversation easily and plugged away at work.

Suddenly my focus was disturbed by a stream of unpleasant noise that can only come from a small electronic device containing a shitty speaker. I looked around for a second, failed to find the source, and assumed a positive conclusion as I like to do, “Maybe a cop is in here and has to have his radio on.” I directed my attention back to my work and tried to ignore the distraction.

After another minute or so, I had to try to find the source again. The noise was unavoidable. It was close to twice the volume of anything else in the restaurant. Looking around, I failed to determine where the noise was coming from. “Maybe the workers have someone on speakerphone temporarily and need their hands free. It will probably be over any second now.” I went back to working.

Another full minute of it was all I could handle. I stood up annoyed and thinking, “Are you fucking kidding me? Who is doing that?” I walked around and found him. A man in his 40s was in a booth with his laptop, some papers, and his cell phone in his hand right near his mouth. He had the person on speakerphone yet was holding the phone in his hand 3 inches from his face to talk to him. I took in the rest of the details quickly: Thinning reddish hair brushed strategically. A blue long-sleeve button-down shirt with the top 3 buttons undone. A few gold rings. A tan.

I returned to my table annoyed and every passing minute of tinny squawking audio raised my blood pressure 10 points until I’d finally had enough.

I walked to his booth and leaned up against the table near it. I dialed my voicemail with my cell phone. I turned on my speaker. I turned the volume to its maximum.

NO MESSAGES
MAIN MENU
TO SEND A MESSAGE, PRESS 2
TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONAL OPTIONS, PRESS 3
TO PLACE A CALL, PRESS 8
TO EXIT, PRESS STAR

I pressed 1.

NO MESSAGES
MAIN MENU
TO SEND A MESSAGE, PRESS 2
TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONAL OPTIONS, PRESS 3
TO PLACE A CALL, PRESS 8
TO EXIT, PRESS STAR

At this point, the guy looked at me because he couldn’t hear a thing his guy was saying. I acted oblivious and focused on my voicemail. I pressed 1 again.

NO MESSAGES
MAIN MENU
TO SEND A MESSAGE, PRESS 2
TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONAL OP…

Annoyed, he turned off his speaker, pressed his phone to his ear, and did that weird hunker people do when they are straining to hear someone in the midst of noise. His other hand pressed a finger to his non-phone ear.

“I knew you’d figure it out!”

I hung up my phone and walked away.